What if he hates my muffin tops?

I guess I'm just one of those girls who is desperate to be liked. 

This can make dating a little bit scary, especially when you've spent the last couple of weeks hiding behind your laptop screen, photoshopping dodgy pics to make yourself thinner, prettier, less spotty, muffin topless and unrecognisable.

"Oh I do hope he like's my prom pics from 2004"

There are certain fears any inocent single girl will suffer from, even though it's only drinks... dinner... a movie, with the expectation that you might like each other enough to meet up again and nothing else.

See, when you've spent the last year in a trusting, committed relationship with a man who knows everything about you, there are certain things you don't need to stress about so much...

• Silence.  In a relationship silence is a beautiful thing, it starts of being a comfortable 'I'm lying in his arms and he is in my arms and we are just lying together in silence and its so romantic' to 'I'm facebooking in bed on the laptop in silence and he's playing Words with Friends on his phone on the toilet' kinda silence... equally comfortable in their own ways.  Silence on a date is EXCRUTIATING nobody sits in silence on a date thinking 'oh isn't this nice!'  NOBODY. 

                                           

"Chicken?"

"Erm..... No thanks"

"Oh you don't like chicken?"

"Not really"

"Erm...."

"Erm..."

• Making a fool of yourself.  Another thing that's completely ok, between you and your partner, you know each other, you do silly things together, these silly things end up becoming future talking points you can entertain (bore) your hypothetical grandchildren with in 40 years time at family Christmas gatherings.  On a date... it's just painful.  I once dated a man who told me a story about the time he was on a date with a girl in a restaurant.  He excused himself to use the toilet, anyway, I can only assume he wanted to stroke her face or something because he washed his hands, and in the process completely soaked his jeans with water, making it appear he had pissed all over himself.  He removed the offending article and tried to fix the problem under the hand-dryer... in vain.  He really liked her... but he escaped out the back entrance, leaving her alone... with the bill, rather than attempting to explain that he hadn't pissed all over himself!  I later found out he was actually this wankerish in real life too!  I digress....  Last date I went on... I was super nervous and I tripped over nothing, I also attempted to drink some wine and missed my mouth... what followed these incidents?... SILENCE.  Did we see each other again?  NO.

"Ground? Swallow me alive"

• He knows how big/small/wonky your tits are, without need for super corsettry or ridiculously padded bras.  Likewise... you only have to wear your Bridget Jones knickers to special occassions because you can fit into that size 12 dress properly without them; and your significant other knows you are wearing them, because you told him, or he witnessed you jumping up and down on the spot, risking a stroke, trying to cram every last little bit of muffin top, because you no longer have any dignity.  I have this issue, I have a whole range of 'super pants' for all kinds of occasions... dates are not one of those occassions.  Let's refer back to Bridget Jones as this explains why perfectly :) 

"I can't wait for him to rip of my spanx" - Shit nobody says.

• He knows all the bad stuff, your secrets, deepest insecurities, you can trust him to keep them safe and support you when times are tough.  YOU CANNOT SPILL THIS SHIT ON A FIRST DATE, infact these things take time and I guess they are part of really getting to know and trust each other in a healthy relationship.  I have done this... a (much younger) super nervous me went on a date with a nice young man I met on the bus.  Yes it's true we met on the bus.  He always got on before me and when I got on we would smile at each other, he was good looking, but a bit ginger, anyway, one day as he wobbled past me to exit and gave me his bus ticket.  He has scribbled his number on it... I didn't even know his name.  It was exciting and a bit romantic.  He had obviously scribbled it whilst actually travelling on the bus, either that or his handwriting was really shoddy.  I text him and we met a few evenings later by the marina for drinks.  He was lovely, I remember thinking I really liked him, but was super anxious he wouldn't like me... anyway, I drank some wine... actually by some I mean about 6 large glasses... and proceeded to tell him how I had just split up with my ex, and he was super angry about it and refusing to leave the house we shared and we were having this massive battle about who was leaving and he threw a telephone at my head but it missed (then showed him evidence pictures of the big hole in the wall on the phone just incase I wanted to involve the police), and that he was gonna go mad that I was out drinking with another man because he is majorly jealous in quite a violent way, and he owed me several thousands of pounds, so I had no money and baliffs knocking my door down everyday.......

... He didn't call me again :(  I can't imagine why! 

You know when I meet Mister Right... I know I will be able to confide in him.  I have experienced so much in my little time on earth, and I really believe that a person needs to understand my past to fully understand who I am now.  There's a lot I have never told anybody, I do have secrets.  When the time is right and the person is right, I'll get those secrets of my chest.  But until that time i'll keep them with me, locked away inside this complicated little head, you never know perhaps they will make it onto the blog in years to come...


Now I'm just wondering what sort of insecurities my male couterparts might be dealing with?!!....

"Erm..."

Much love and hiccups

EL xxx

Why is it the majority of men on online dating sites look like serial killers? Discuss.

Ok, so I joined this dating site, purely out of goddam loneliness and isolation... don’t feel sorry for me, it’s my own fault, I was invited to the cinema and decided I’d prefer a night in then changed my mind 2 hours later... anyway... I joined this dating site, just to see what it’s all about, abuse some unsuspecting fellas, and generally troll about until someone normal looking turned up whom I could chat to, and make interesting philosophical conversation about life, love, the world and erm... stuff.

Anyway, no one even slightly interesting or normal turned up.

Until I came across this guy who looked a bit like Fred West... Now I hadn’t even looked at his profile, but the fact he looked a little bit like one of the UK’s most prolific serial killers immediately turned me off, poor bloke. Like it’s hard enough being single, without potential dates getting subliminal anxiety for their life because you look like a rapist. Now, he probably was a dead (get it) nice bloke, and actually once I’d recovered from his shocking profile picture, he has brilliant taste in music, excellent hobbies and interests (DIY)... no kids... wanted kids (erm)... seemed up for some serious long term commitment (like maybe for the rest of my life). To be fair I don’t expect to live a long life, I never have, I just get this feeling it may end prematurely. Don’t get sad it’s fine, who wants to look like Jackie Stallone, not me! Saying this, I’m not really up for being murdered, I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that it’s not always quick and painless.

Sorry Fred, no lighty.

NEXT

HELLO MR BIG’SHOT! Ok... he looks fit, he’s wearing a very smart suit, his profile says he earns over 40k and he’s looking for love, and he has sent me an inboxy message, get in there me! So we chat for a bit, he tells me about his new flashy car, his bachelor pad in... THE ISLE OF SHEPPEY? WTF.... And then... “So babe (grrrr)... there’s this other girl, and she’s kinda looking for a bit of naughty fun, and I think you would get on”

NEXT

Ok so I have nothing against the people of monster island. But I only have 2 experiences of THE ISLE OF SHEPPEY, one was a past long long long ago date with a guy, ex-army, said he was super fit, turned up in a clapped out B reg fiesta, scrawny little prick who thought he was gods gift and insisted we sleep together before I almost threw my gin over him. Of course I didn’t throw my gin over him! Naturally I drank it and walked away, prick, did I say that? Prick. Oh and he was ginger, he had a hat on in his photo.

My 2nd experience isn’t really a face to face experience, but over the years I have worked with many an ex-offender or ex-offenders wife, and ELMLEY PRISON, is somewhere I wish to keep my distance from. I know prisons have high walls and electric fences and stuff, but people do escape and then they steal people’s phones or laptops and before you know it they are sending you kinky texts and telling you they work in advertising or recruitment, and then my friend you are in trouble!

This is why THE ISLE OF SHEPPEY is on my block list.

Have I told you about my block list! I have a huge blocklist, not just on Facebook. (Dover is a very small town you know and its really easy to upset people). I have a dating blocklist as long as my arm which is another reason I am perhaps 31 and single. I’m not fussy but I have criteria... Ok I am a little bit fussy.  Here’s a little bit of my list....

• Men under 5’8 – I have dated, had lengthy relationships with men shorter than this and all I have encountered is ‘short man syndrome’ it exists people and it’s not pleasant! Thats for another blog... as are many of these points...       
• Footballers – BIG NO NO... Goalkeepers are good because they are tall and have great big hands ;) But I have found them promisculous, not just in the media but in real life, plus the idea of being a WAG makes me vomit in my mouth a little bit.
• Gamblers – I love a bet on the horses every few months, anything more than this terrifies me.
• Alcoholics, people that drink more than once a week on a regular basis, you might not think it’s alcoholism but eventually my friend your liver will fail and you will die
• Men who love dogs more than women. It’s not right and it’s not OK.
• Men who like dogs, horses, and farm animals too much. I am phobic of farm animals and dislike ‘licky or barky animals’. This includes chickens.
• Gamers. Go outside! Get some fresh air and some vitamin D and more important a bit of reality
• Lead Singers. (This is a biggy).  I am a lead singer, we are egotistic, self absorbed, self critical, overtly confident on the outside and messed up suicidal wrecks on the inside a bit like a dime bar. Two of these souls together, spells total destruction. Last singer I dated accused me (wrongly!) of cheating and I turned into the little girl from the exorcist, out in the rain, eyeliner everywhere, crying petrol down my bloated face, and I made him bleed. We didn’t see eye-to-eye after that... Ever. I told him to go and win the X Factor so I can sell his bad sex to The Sun. I think he still hates me, ah well.

This evening I have found myself discussing the masculinity and femininity of various inanimate objects with a man from a London, currently a good, safe, distance.  He doesn't look like Fred West, but you can never be certain.

Well fans, that’s plenty for today!

Big love from EL xxx