Ok, just to clarify things, I have never dated a goat. For those who don't know, goats are a kind of small horse with antlers. I'd never date a horse or any type of animal, its illegal and messy. Although some might say, judging on my poor romantic history, that I would have been better off dating a honey badger, natterjack toad or sperm whale... you see, having a relationship with an animal would eliminate several problems, for instance it would never annoy the fuck out of me by playing world of warcraft for hours on end, smoking joints and drinking super tenants from a brown paper bag whilst farting and wanking off to gilf porn...
Back to goats...
I am terrified of goats. Probably a bit more than dogs (see D is for dogs for the full story). I really don't understand why, but many people think they are lovely and cute and stroke-able - when in actual fact they are evil and horrid creatures desperate to munch on your internal organs as soon as your back is turned.
You only need to look back in the history to find factual evidence that they are the children of the devil himself, disguised as tame farm animals, ready to chomp on your spleens as soon as they get the chance.
How does this relate to bad boyfriends you may ask yourself?
Well... I'm coming to this bit... You see... This boyfriend was not so bad, but he did make one BIG mistake... Yes...
'HE TOOK ME TO CHEDDAR GORGE'
Cheddar Gorge my friends is a place where you can buy lovely cheeses, it's the actual home of cheddar cheese, there is a museum there where kind workers offer you free, yes FREE samples of a variety of cheeses, how wonderful!
Cheese has several health benefits, including the enducement of trippy dreams; Personally after a heavy session I'm prone to finding myself in blissful REM - that's rapid eye movement which one will experience when dreaming and not Michael Stipe (the ambassador for Suicide) crooning away to Everybody Hurts. Was you aware that Michael Stipe has a holiday home at Beachy Head?
Anyway... Cheese... Health benefits.. Yes trippy dreams.., there was the night I was being chased by flying tea bags... They had teeth! Dear lord, teeth!!!!
Cheese also makes you have better orgasms, especially if you tie it to your bed knobs in October, so they say.
Cheese also burns calories, especially if you eat it whilst on a treadmill.
SO! We were at Cheddar (mmm cheese) eating cheese before he instructed me in a deeply sexual way that we were going to drive down the Gorge itself, now me being me thought this was a kind of euphemism, before we got in his car (his car was shitty but I've done C already... Perhaps I'll do R is for Renault)... And actually drove down the gorge... No shenanigans for me... Just gorge driving, and munching on the tiny squares of cheese I had previously sampled/stolen in blissfull happiness. Anyway, we parked up and got out for a wander and to tale some photos as you do, and it was all very lovely until I heard a noise....
MAAAAAAAAAA
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
And then I spot them the satanic evil creatures, charging in a pack towards my spleen aarrrghhhhjh.... I screamed... Weeee'rreeee ggoooiiinnggg toooo dieeeeeeeeeeeee
I couldn't get to the car fast enough, as I sprinted down the road, gripping onto my stolen cheese for dear life, and I could hear them on my heels, their teeth grinding and snarly hot breath maaaaaaa'ing at me in anticipation of the human flesh they so desire....
"OPEN THE FUCKINGGGGG DOORSSSSS YOU BASTARDDDDDD" I scream at this stupid man...
As i turn to see him... 'why is he laughing at me I'm going to kill his ridiculous face with my nails until he bleeds out of his ear holes...' (I was pretty mad)...
And just as they were inches away from chomping on my ankles, the doors popped open.
What a cunt I thought to myself.
The end... ish...
Luv El xxx
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