Yesterday

Yesterday, everything changed in the most beautiful way possible :)

More to follow...

EL

xxx

What if he hates my muffin tops?

I guess I'm just one of those girls who is desperate to be liked. 

This can make dating a little bit scary, especially when you've spent the last couple of weeks hiding behind your laptop screen, photoshopping dodgy pics to make yourself thinner, prettier, less spotty, muffin topless and unrecognisable.

"Oh I do hope he like's my prom pics from 2004"

There are certain fears any inocent single girl will suffer from, even though it's only drinks... dinner... a movie, with the expectation that you might like each other enough to meet up again and nothing else.

See, when you've spent the last year in a trusting, committed relationship with a man who knows everything about you, there are certain things you don't need to stress about so much...

• Silence.  In a relationship silence is a beautiful thing, it starts of being a comfortable 'I'm lying in his arms and he is in my arms and we are just lying together in silence and its so romantic' to 'I'm facebooking in bed on the laptop in silence and he's playing Words with Friends on his phone on the toilet' kinda silence... equally comfortable in their own ways.  Silence on a date is EXCRUTIATING nobody sits in silence on a date thinking 'oh isn't this nice!'  NOBODY. 

                                           

"Chicken?"

"Erm..... No thanks"

"Oh you don't like chicken?"

"Not really"

"Erm...."

"Erm..."

• Making a fool of yourself.  Another thing that's completely ok, between you and your partner, you know each other, you do silly things together, these silly things end up becoming future talking points you can entertain (bore) your hypothetical grandchildren with in 40 years time at family Christmas gatherings.  On a date... it's just painful.  I once dated a man who told me a story about the time he was on a date with a girl in a restaurant.  He excused himself to use the toilet, anyway, I can only assume he wanted to stroke her face or something because he washed his hands, and in the process completely soaked his jeans with water, making it appear he had pissed all over himself.  He removed the offending article and tried to fix the problem under the hand-dryer... in vain.  He really liked her... but he escaped out the back entrance, leaving her alone... with the bill, rather than attempting to explain that he hadn't pissed all over himself!  I later found out he was actually this wankerish in real life too!  I digress....  Last date I went on... I was super nervous and I tripped over nothing, I also attempted to drink some wine and missed my mouth... what followed these incidents?... SILENCE.  Did we see each other again?  NO.

"Ground? Swallow me alive"

• He knows how big/small/wonky your tits are, without need for super corsettry or ridiculously padded bras.  Likewise... you only have to wear your Bridget Jones knickers to special occassions because you can fit into that size 12 dress properly without them; and your significant other knows you are wearing them, because you told him, or he witnessed you jumping up and down on the spot, risking a stroke, trying to cram every last little bit of muffin top, because you no longer have any dignity.  I have this issue, I have a whole range of 'super pants' for all kinds of occasions... dates are not one of those occassions.  Let's refer back to Bridget Jones as this explains why perfectly :) 

"I can't wait for him to rip of my spanx" - Shit nobody says.

• He knows all the bad stuff, your secrets, deepest insecurities, you can trust him to keep them safe and support you when times are tough.  YOU CANNOT SPILL THIS SHIT ON A FIRST DATE, infact these things take time and I guess they are part of really getting to know and trust each other in a healthy relationship.  I have done this... a (much younger) super nervous me went on a date with a nice young man I met on the bus.  Yes it's true we met on the bus.  He always got on before me and when I got on we would smile at each other, he was good looking, but a bit ginger, anyway, one day as he wobbled past me to exit and gave me his bus ticket.  He has scribbled his number on it... I didn't even know his name.  It was exciting and a bit romantic.  He had obviously scribbled it whilst actually travelling on the bus, either that or his handwriting was really shoddy.  I text him and we met a few evenings later by the marina for drinks.  He was lovely, I remember thinking I really liked him, but was super anxious he wouldn't like me... anyway, I drank some wine... actually by some I mean about 6 large glasses... and proceeded to tell him how I had just split up with my ex, and he was super angry about it and refusing to leave the house we shared and we were having this massive battle about who was leaving and he threw a telephone at my head but it missed (then showed him evidence pictures of the big hole in the wall on the phone just incase I wanted to involve the police), and that he was gonna go mad that I was out drinking with another man because he is majorly jealous in quite a violent way, and he owed me several thousands of pounds, so I had no money and baliffs knocking my door down everyday.......

... He didn't call me again :(  I can't imagine why! 

You know when I meet Mister Right... I know I will be able to confide in him.  I have experienced so much in my little time on earth, and I really believe that a person needs to understand my past to fully understand who I am now.  There's a lot I have never told anybody, I do have secrets.  When the time is right and the person is right, I'll get those secrets of my chest.  But until that time i'll keep them with me, locked away inside this complicated little head, you never know perhaps they will make it onto the blog in years to come...


Now I'm just wondering what sort of insecurities my male couterparts might be dealing with?!!....

"Erm..."

Much love and hiccups

EL xxx

Long to reign over us happy and glorious etc....

As of 2nd June 2012, Queen Elizabeth 2nd has spent 60 whole years being Queen Elizabeth 2nd... That's pretty amazing, that's like almost my whole life x2.

I'm not really a royalist, I don't really understand the purpose of a monarchy. What can I say? I don't proclaim to know everything about everything. At dinner parties I normally abide by the unwritten rule that 'one' will not talk about religion or politics, this is great because when it comes to these two things, I am clueless, I have more knowledge about the Eurovision Song Contest of 1973. Luxembourg's 4th win, Spain 2nd and the Uk came 3rd, with a stellar performance from Sir Cliff - all this amidst terrorist threats, following the incident at the Olympics in Munich 1972 where lots of people got shot. (Good film is that, Munich).

I read that on wikipedia so I think it's true.

I did actually watch Munich, it is very good.

Anyway moving forward in the realm of my lack of insight into the monarchy...

....A very long time ago, I was given the option at school to study either GCSE History or GCSE Geography... This is how it was sold to me...

OK, History will involve lots of writing, watching endless documentaries on wars, (at this point I am pretty sure I was snoring into my pencil case (dans ma trouse? That's my B in French talking there...)

Anyway... Geography! Geography is gonna be so much fun, you need to get yourselves a big set of colouring pencils, because we have maps, bar charts, and fun projects you are gonna need to fill with an array of pretty colours! WHERE ARE MY PENCILS ALREADY :D

It was tough but I decided to study Geography. I got a B, not bad, I'm still very proud of myself. That B in geography has stood me in good stead for erm... The occasional pub quiz...

Anyway I know bugger all about history, I know a little bit about World War 2, I love Inglorious Basterds!

I blame my schooling for anything I don't know but I should know... And my parents... And wikipedia.

I'm sure I'm not alone. I get the feeling an awful lot of folks say that they 'love the Queen' with no idea what she actually does.



Now I'm not gonna start slagging the woman off, and here's why

I believe I could be hanged for it.

It has to be one hell of a job being the monarch everyday of your life, wearing those heavy crowns and capes and putting up with nonsense from political leaders.

She looks good on our currency. Sorry Charles but as faces go, I've seen prettier, and I don't want your smug grin and humongous ears rolling out at me every time I draw out my electric money, I certainly don't wish to see this when I am paying for food. Even Wills is showing signs of wear and tear, I hope to God if he becomes King they put Kate on the money, because she is far nicer to look at. Harry - I cannot even comprehend. This would ruin my life.



Ps. I don't hate gingers, (my cat is ginger!) I promise, it's not that, plus on the twenty his hair would be purple so it doesn't matter.

Lastly and most importantly I would like to thank the Queen for giving us a nice long bank holiday weekend!

God bless you LIZ!

What to do when your heart gets crushed into little tiny pieces.

Ok, the subject matter is huge and complicated, but it’s something I have wanted to explore for a while.  See I have had more than my fair share of heartbreak.  I know this all sounds very sad and very tragic, but I have come to view it as part of my life, something that happens and genuinely (excuse the cliché, god I hate clichés), makes me stronger as woman.

The pain of heartbreak NEVER gets any easier, it just gets easier to deal with.

I loved my last boyfriend, I will never deny that for a whole year he was my entire world, solar system and universe; I truly adored him and would have moved mountains for him and every single other cheesy song lyric that has been written.  But he didn’t see it that way. I do not have a bad word to say about him.  C’est la vie Elmonalissabeth, C’est la vie. 

Whenever someone has broken up with me I always do that thing where I pretend I don’t give a damn, I shovel a whole load of eyeliner on my face and stand proud; ‘in your face ex-boyfriend’!  Then I have usually had a massive meltdown, alone, friendless, isolated and broken.  It took a good, 5 years to fully get over my first love, and on another occasion I ended up swallowing way too many sleeping pills, and following that incident I vowed NEVER to be that broken EVER again.

I did that hard faced thing this time around, I brushed it all off like I didn’t care, like I saw it coming, and it was totally mutual, but deep down my universe had just crumbled and I didn’t know what else to turn to.  After a day or two, I felt fraudulent, like I had cheated myself out letting my emotions go, sending them to emotion room 101 or whatever, they were still inside me, eating away at everything, everything I did, said, and looked at; it felt so uncomfortable.  This time it was different and I think I know why.  See, I cannot bury my emotions like I used to, I have buried a whole heap of nasty shit and I now know that all it does is creep out when you least expect it... and usually fuck up another relationship... do we see a cycle forming?  So... I confided in my friends, old friends, new friends, strangers (those poor strangers!)  I wrote probably way too much on Facebook and Twitter and anywhere else that would take my words, until they just... ran dry.  I ran out of words, I had nothing left to say.  Bereft of the emotion. 

I had exorcised myself from a love demon.... well sort of....

I have done several things to help me get over such a huge tragedy, and all have come from the experience of having my heartbroken a little too many times.  I actually made a conscious effort to do particular things to help me with... well... moving on I guess...

Here are some things what I did...

·         I dyed my hair.  Twice in one week.  I dyed it from peroxide blonde to brown and I should have known better, because I don’t really get on with averagey normal hair colours like.. brown... so anyway, I went black and I love it!  The good thing about your hair (if you have hair I don’t wanna offend any... erm...  bald people) is that you have control over it and when things in your life seem so out of hand, bleach, scissors and dyes can work miracles and you can get exactly what you want.  This takes the control away from the person who just destroyed your life and put things nicely back in your hands.  Even if it is for a little while.

·         I went out to do some karaoke with one of my closest friends.  Now this night didn’t go to plan as I met a total prick who gave my bacardi some sort of drug that they use to paralyse elephants and I woke up on a trolley in a hospital surrounded by what can only be described as crazy ‘pissheads’.  Prior to this though I was having a good old time!  The good thing about this and I am going to focus on the positive (I could write another 20 blogs on the negatives), is that this whole nasty incident, kinda put my mission to take care of number one in perspective.  In all seriousness I could have died, but I didn’t, I am still alive, and I am going to make the most of it!  Hooray!

·         I joined ‘previously blogged about’ dating site.  I chatted to many strange men, and I received many nice compliments and it made me feel very special and nice.

·         I decided I want to buy a house, and I have been spending time investigating ways in which this can be made possible.  And it is very possible and something I am very focused on doing.  Never put your whole future in the hands of another because when they go they take your future with them.  This is why I am making my future right here, right with me.

·         I have a huge flat clearout.  It is still in progress, but I have completely cleared a huge messy corner of my bedroom, and have 30 dresses to sell on ebay; with the money I make I am having a tattoo on my leg, to commemorate my first 30 years and my inner strength.

·         I have lost weight.  Only 6lbs so far, but enough to give me a little confidence boost, and get back into my skinny jeans again J

·         Throughout this all I have made some really special friends and we have fun things planned, and I am sure you will hear all about our adventures! 

Would I fall in love again?  Yes.  Without a doubt.  Being in love with someone (who loves you back... that helps), is the most amazing feeling in the world.  I thank every man I loved for giving me the chance to have such a powerful emotion, even the complete arseholes who ended up making my life a total misery.

Ooooh.... guess who has applied to go on Take Me Out..... I SO NEED TO GET THIS AUDITION!  I won it at Pontins and I’ll win it on tele!  Watch this space!

Massive lovage, EL xxx

Ok before y'all start a hate campaign!

Ok, since my last blog I've had some backlash from some friends of mine, who, despite being my friends and nothing more, see a tad annoyed that they might fit the criteria of the blocklist.

To clarify. Yes you probably fit the criteria of my blocklist. The same way in which I fit the criteria of many other guys blocklist.

See, essentially the blocklist is a clever way of verbalising to you all the kind of men I will not date. Surely, like Bobby and poor Britters, thats my prerogative.

Jesus I have that stuck in my head now.

Moving on.

Ok, I need to clear up one thing in particular, VERTICALLY CHALLENGED MENFOLK.

Jesus you guys get mad when you are dissed and I totally respect that. And although I hate to backtrack when I've laid the words down... It's not JUST short man syndrome, some of you may not suffer from this, but the guys I have dated/ had lengthy relationships with DID! Now if I had dated every single one of you I could have conducted a detailed psycho-social study, but I haven't, so please leave me to my selfish, judgemental ways. Maybe the guy of my dreams is 5'4...

My sister is 5'4 possibly 5'3, I'd find it weird dating someone the same size as her.

Am I digging a hole?

On a serious note... Isn't it all just down to who we find attractive? I am now asking all MENFOLK whom I have royally fucked off to answer one question?

Could you date anyone you don't find attractive for any length of time?

Lord, Forgive me for not finding 100% of the male population attractive, I know you made each and everyone in your own image, (if this is really true, I recommend Queer Eye For The Straight Guy...) if I go to hell, so be it, I will burn and perish for eternity in a furnace of pain. I know. Amen.

*awaits Christian backlash*

Fire away guys :)

EL xx

Why is it the majority of men on online dating sites look like serial killers? Discuss.

Ok, so I joined this dating site, purely out of goddam loneliness and isolation... don’t feel sorry for me, it’s my own fault, I was invited to the cinema and decided I’d prefer a night in then changed my mind 2 hours later... anyway... I joined this dating site, just to see what it’s all about, abuse some unsuspecting fellas, and generally troll about until someone normal looking turned up whom I could chat to, and make interesting philosophical conversation about life, love, the world and erm... stuff.

Anyway, no one even slightly interesting or normal turned up.

Until I came across this guy who looked a bit like Fred West... Now I hadn’t even looked at his profile, but the fact he looked a little bit like one of the UK’s most prolific serial killers immediately turned me off, poor bloke. Like it’s hard enough being single, without potential dates getting subliminal anxiety for their life because you look like a rapist. Now, he probably was a dead (get it) nice bloke, and actually once I’d recovered from his shocking profile picture, he has brilliant taste in music, excellent hobbies and interests (DIY)... no kids... wanted kids (erm)... seemed up for some serious long term commitment (like maybe for the rest of my life). To be fair I don’t expect to live a long life, I never have, I just get this feeling it may end prematurely. Don’t get sad it’s fine, who wants to look like Jackie Stallone, not me! Saying this, I’m not really up for being murdered, I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that it’s not always quick and painless.

Sorry Fred, no lighty.

NEXT

HELLO MR BIG’SHOT! Ok... he looks fit, he’s wearing a very smart suit, his profile says he earns over 40k and he’s looking for love, and he has sent me an inboxy message, get in there me! So we chat for a bit, he tells me about his new flashy car, his bachelor pad in... THE ISLE OF SHEPPEY? WTF.... And then... “So babe (grrrr)... there’s this other girl, and she’s kinda looking for a bit of naughty fun, and I think you would get on”

NEXT

Ok so I have nothing against the people of monster island. But I only have 2 experiences of THE ISLE OF SHEPPEY, one was a past long long long ago date with a guy, ex-army, said he was super fit, turned up in a clapped out B reg fiesta, scrawny little prick who thought he was gods gift and insisted we sleep together before I almost threw my gin over him. Of course I didn’t throw my gin over him! Naturally I drank it and walked away, prick, did I say that? Prick. Oh and he was ginger, he had a hat on in his photo.

My 2nd experience isn’t really a face to face experience, but over the years I have worked with many an ex-offender or ex-offenders wife, and ELMLEY PRISON, is somewhere I wish to keep my distance from. I know prisons have high walls and electric fences and stuff, but people do escape and then they steal people’s phones or laptops and before you know it they are sending you kinky texts and telling you they work in advertising or recruitment, and then my friend you are in trouble!

This is why THE ISLE OF SHEPPEY is on my block list.

Have I told you about my block list! I have a huge blocklist, not just on Facebook. (Dover is a very small town you know and its really easy to upset people). I have a dating blocklist as long as my arm which is another reason I am perhaps 31 and single. I’m not fussy but I have criteria... Ok I am a little bit fussy.  Here’s a little bit of my list....

• Men under 5’8 – I have dated, had lengthy relationships with men shorter than this and all I have encountered is ‘short man syndrome’ it exists people and it’s not pleasant! Thats for another blog... as are many of these points...       
• Footballers – BIG NO NO... Goalkeepers are good because they are tall and have great big hands ;) But I have found them promisculous, not just in the media but in real life, plus the idea of being a WAG makes me vomit in my mouth a little bit.
• Gamblers – I love a bet on the horses every few months, anything more than this terrifies me.
• Alcoholics, people that drink more than once a week on a regular basis, you might not think it’s alcoholism but eventually my friend your liver will fail and you will die
• Men who love dogs more than women. It’s not right and it’s not OK.
• Men who like dogs, horses, and farm animals too much. I am phobic of farm animals and dislike ‘licky or barky animals’. This includes chickens.
• Gamers. Go outside! Get some fresh air and some vitamin D and more important a bit of reality
• Lead Singers. (This is a biggy).  I am a lead singer, we are egotistic, self absorbed, self critical, overtly confident on the outside and messed up suicidal wrecks on the inside a bit like a dime bar. Two of these souls together, spells total destruction. Last singer I dated accused me (wrongly!) of cheating and I turned into the little girl from the exorcist, out in the rain, eyeliner everywhere, crying petrol down my bloated face, and I made him bleed. We didn’t see eye-to-eye after that... Ever. I told him to go and win the X Factor so I can sell his bad sex to The Sun. I think he still hates me, ah well.

This evening I have found myself discussing the masculinity and femininity of various inanimate objects with a man from a London, currently a good, safe, distance.  He doesn't look like Fred West, but you can never be certain.

Well fans, that’s plenty for today!

Big love from EL xxx

This book thing...

Every time I find myself single, somebody says....

"Hey.. You should write a book"

It's almost as if my life is just one more chapter of Bridgett Fucking Jone's diary... by the way... I have never read that book, and find the films absolutely horrendous viewing.... perhaps because I can relate a little too much... perhaps it's just because they are actually shit, who knows.

Hugh Grant does my head in and if he came to me with a blank cheque for 40 million quid and a whole farm of kittens, and the promise of my life exactly how I pictured it before I became disillusioned and bitter, I would without question send him packing... Bye Hugh... bye love.... off you pop.....

As for the other bloke... he would get it, but only after a couple of pinots and I couldn't see it happening as a long term arrangement.

Rennee Zellweggerrrrr... well... I'm not convinced by the whole 'I'm quite happy to play a fat chick.... just so long as I'm back to a zero for the red carpet attitude'.  Wench.  I did like her chicken strangling in Cold Mountain though.. best part of the whole epic wrist-slittingly endurance.

You know, yesterday  went for a drink with an old friend (well a diet coke to be exact due to embarking on the craziest pre-acting in an amateur musical diet - I have ever encountered - another story), and we discussed this hitting 30's single, tragic turn of events stuff... it's sad you know, when people around you are all 'grown up' and they all have perfect little families and marriages and white picket fences and you have found yourself continually shelved for what seems like no reason at all.  It hurts, it hurts a lot.  Sometimes I really don't get it, like what is so wrong with me?  People tell me how I am kind, caring, honest, good looking, funny, talented... etc... etc...

This is all very difficult to believe when you wake up alone, with nobody to say good morning to, or if there is somebody to say good morning to, you know it won't last. 

I think I have finally reached a place where I kow that my life is different, that it will not feature white picket fences and 2.4 children and a run of gerbils, and maybe that is something to embrace? 

I have this... potential.. date lined up for the weekend, and the sensible part of me is saying it's way too soon, but the creative, energetic spirit inside of me is telling me to get back out there.... just meet people, make friends.  Hiding in my flat at 31 is not going to give me anything excitng to blog about is it!

Here's to the future *as I toast you with a diet coke*

EL xxx