What to do when your heart gets crushed into little tiny pieces.

Ok, the subject matter is huge and complicated, but it’s something I have wanted to explore for a while.  See I have had more than my fair share of heartbreak.  I know this all sounds very sad and very tragic, but I have come to view it as part of my life, something that happens and genuinely (excuse the cliché, god I hate clichés), makes me stronger as woman.

The pain of heartbreak NEVER gets any easier, it just gets easier to deal with.

I loved my last boyfriend, I will never deny that for a whole year he was my entire world, solar system and universe; I truly adored him and would have moved mountains for him and every single other cheesy song lyric that has been written.  But he didn’t see it that way. I do not have a bad word to say about him.  C’est la vie Elmonalissabeth, C’est la vie. 

Whenever someone has broken up with me I always do that thing where I pretend I don’t give a damn, I shovel a whole load of eyeliner on my face and stand proud; ‘in your face ex-boyfriend’!  Then I have usually had a massive meltdown, alone, friendless, isolated and broken.  It took a good, 5 years to fully get over my first love, and on another occasion I ended up swallowing way too many sleeping pills, and following that incident I vowed NEVER to be that broken EVER again.

I did that hard faced thing this time around, I brushed it all off like I didn’t care, like I saw it coming, and it was totally mutual, but deep down my universe had just crumbled and I didn’t know what else to turn to.  After a day or two, I felt fraudulent, like I had cheated myself out letting my emotions go, sending them to emotion room 101 or whatever, they were still inside me, eating away at everything, everything I did, said, and looked at; it felt so uncomfortable.  This time it was different and I think I know why.  See, I cannot bury my emotions like I used to, I have buried a whole heap of nasty shit and I now know that all it does is creep out when you least expect it... and usually fuck up another relationship... do we see a cycle forming?  So... I confided in my friends, old friends, new friends, strangers (those poor strangers!)  I wrote probably way too much on Facebook and Twitter and anywhere else that would take my words, until they just... ran dry.  I ran out of words, I had nothing left to say.  Bereft of the emotion. 

I had exorcised myself from a love demon.... well sort of....

I have done several things to help me get over such a huge tragedy, and all have come from the experience of having my heartbroken a little too many times.  I actually made a conscious effort to do particular things to help me with... well... moving on I guess...

Here are some things what I did...

·         I dyed my hair.  Twice in one week.  I dyed it from peroxide blonde to brown and I should have known better, because I don’t really get on with averagey normal hair colours like.. brown... so anyway, I went black and I love it!  The good thing about your hair (if you have hair I don’t wanna offend any... erm...  bald people) is that you have control over it and when things in your life seem so out of hand, bleach, scissors and dyes can work miracles and you can get exactly what you want.  This takes the control away from the person who just destroyed your life and put things nicely back in your hands.  Even if it is for a little while.

·         I went out to do some karaoke with one of my closest friends.  Now this night didn’t go to plan as I met a total prick who gave my bacardi some sort of drug that they use to paralyse elephants and I woke up on a trolley in a hospital surrounded by what can only be described as crazy ‘pissheads’.  Prior to this though I was having a good old time!  The good thing about this and I am going to focus on the positive (I could write another 20 blogs on the negatives), is that this whole nasty incident, kinda put my mission to take care of number one in perspective.  In all seriousness I could have died, but I didn’t, I am still alive, and I am going to make the most of it!  Hooray!

·         I joined ‘previously blogged about’ dating site.  I chatted to many strange men, and I received many nice compliments and it made me feel very special and nice.

·         I decided I want to buy a house, and I have been spending time investigating ways in which this can be made possible.  And it is very possible and something I am very focused on doing.  Never put your whole future in the hands of another because when they go they take your future with them.  This is why I am making my future right here, right with me.

·         I have a huge flat clearout.  It is still in progress, but I have completely cleared a huge messy corner of my bedroom, and have 30 dresses to sell on ebay; with the money I make I am having a tattoo on my leg, to commemorate my first 30 years and my inner strength.

·         I have lost weight.  Only 6lbs so far, but enough to give me a little confidence boost, and get back into my skinny jeans again J

·         Throughout this all I have made some really special friends and we have fun things planned, and I am sure you will hear all about our adventures! 

Would I fall in love again?  Yes.  Without a doubt.  Being in love with someone (who loves you back... that helps), is the most amazing feeling in the world.  I thank every man I loved for giving me the chance to have such a powerful emotion, even the complete arseholes who ended up making my life a total misery.

Ooooh.... guess who has applied to go on Take Me Out..... I SO NEED TO GET THIS AUDITION!  I won it at Pontins and I’ll win it on tele!  Watch this space!

Massive lovage, EL xxx