Why is it the majority of men on online dating sites look like serial killers? Discuss.

Ok, so I joined this dating site, purely out of goddam loneliness and isolation... don’t feel sorry for me, it’s my own fault, I was invited to the cinema and decided I’d prefer a night in then changed my mind 2 hours later... anyway... I joined this dating site, just to see what it’s all about, abuse some unsuspecting fellas, and generally troll about until someone normal looking turned up whom I could chat to, and make interesting philosophical conversation about life, love, the world and erm... stuff.

Anyway, no one even slightly interesting or normal turned up.

Until I came across this guy who looked a bit like Fred West... Now I hadn’t even looked at his profile, but the fact he looked a little bit like one of the UK’s most prolific serial killers immediately turned me off, poor bloke. Like it’s hard enough being single, without potential dates getting subliminal anxiety for their life because you look like a rapist. Now, he probably was a dead (get it) nice bloke, and actually once I’d recovered from his shocking profile picture, he has brilliant taste in music, excellent hobbies and interests (DIY)... no kids... wanted kids (erm)... seemed up for some serious long term commitment (like maybe for the rest of my life). To be fair I don’t expect to live a long life, I never have, I just get this feeling it may end prematurely. Don’t get sad it’s fine, who wants to look like Jackie Stallone, not me! Saying this, I’m not really up for being murdered, I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that it’s not always quick and painless.

Sorry Fred, no lighty.

NEXT

HELLO MR BIG’SHOT! Ok... he looks fit, he’s wearing a very smart suit, his profile says he earns over 40k and he’s looking for love, and he has sent me an inboxy message, get in there me! So we chat for a bit, he tells me about his new flashy car, his bachelor pad in... THE ISLE OF SHEPPEY? WTF.... And then... “So babe (grrrr)... there’s this other girl, and she’s kinda looking for a bit of naughty fun, and I think you would get on”

NEXT

Ok so I have nothing against the people of monster island. But I only have 2 experiences of THE ISLE OF SHEPPEY, one was a past long long long ago date with a guy, ex-army, said he was super fit, turned up in a clapped out B reg fiesta, scrawny little prick who thought he was gods gift and insisted we sleep together before I almost threw my gin over him. Of course I didn’t throw my gin over him! Naturally I drank it and walked away, prick, did I say that? Prick. Oh and he was ginger, he had a hat on in his photo.

My 2nd experience isn’t really a face to face experience, but over the years I have worked with many an ex-offender or ex-offenders wife, and ELMLEY PRISON, is somewhere I wish to keep my distance from. I know prisons have high walls and electric fences and stuff, but people do escape and then they steal people’s phones or laptops and before you know it they are sending you kinky texts and telling you they work in advertising or recruitment, and then my friend you are in trouble!

This is why THE ISLE OF SHEPPEY is on my block list.

Have I told you about my block list! I have a huge blocklist, not just on Facebook. (Dover is a very small town you know and its really easy to upset people). I have a dating blocklist as long as my arm which is another reason I am perhaps 31 and single. I’m not fussy but I have criteria... Ok I am a little bit fussy.  Here’s a little bit of my list....

• Men under 5’8 – I have dated, had lengthy relationships with men shorter than this and all I have encountered is ‘short man syndrome’ it exists people and it’s not pleasant! Thats for another blog... as are many of these points...       
• Footballers – BIG NO NO... Goalkeepers are good because they are tall and have great big hands ;) But I have found them promisculous, not just in the media but in real life, plus the idea of being a WAG makes me vomit in my mouth a little bit.
• Gamblers – I love a bet on the horses every few months, anything more than this terrifies me.
• Alcoholics, people that drink more than once a week on a regular basis, you might not think it’s alcoholism but eventually my friend your liver will fail and you will die
• Men who love dogs more than women. It’s not right and it’s not OK.
• Men who like dogs, horses, and farm animals too much. I am phobic of farm animals and dislike ‘licky or barky animals’. This includes chickens.
• Gamers. Go outside! Get some fresh air and some vitamin D and more important a bit of reality
• Lead Singers. (This is a biggy).  I am a lead singer, we are egotistic, self absorbed, self critical, overtly confident on the outside and messed up suicidal wrecks on the inside a bit like a dime bar. Two of these souls together, spells total destruction. Last singer I dated accused me (wrongly!) of cheating and I turned into the little girl from the exorcist, out in the rain, eyeliner everywhere, crying petrol down my bloated face, and I made him bleed. We didn’t see eye-to-eye after that... Ever. I told him to go and win the X Factor so I can sell his bad sex to The Sun. I think he still hates me, ah well.

This evening I have found myself discussing the masculinity and femininity of various inanimate objects with a man from a London, currently a good, safe, distance.  He doesn't look like Fred West, but you can never be certain.

Well fans, that’s plenty for today!

Big love from EL xxx